It Ain't Half Hot Mum
Original Broadcast Date : 23/7 - 3/9/1981
Produced by David Croft, Directed by John Kilby
Episode 1 : "Gloria's Finest Hour"
The Concert Party have no food rations left due to some Japanese soldiers waiting to ambush whoever passes by, so the Char Wallah tells them of a coconut tree he knows of nearby. Whilst trying to get the coconuts down, one accidentally hits Gloria on the head, when he wakes up it has totally changed his personality. No longer is he the camp Gloria of old, but is now a "real man" and manages to get the Sgt. Major to accompany him to where the Japs are hiding out. When they get there, they realise there is only one Jap there, the rest are dummies, so they decide to take all the helmets off the dummies and to say they sorted it all out between them. They are awarded medals, but on the morning of the presentation, Gloria is back to his normal self, and faints when the medal sticks into him, as he "can't stand the sight of blood!"
Episode 2 : "Money Talks"
After a poor reception at one of their shows, the Concert Party blame Gunner Graham for his poor piano playing. Colonel Reynolds and Captain Ashwood speak to Graham, and discover that he has a very wealthy aunt and he is her sole heir and will inherit all her money. Afterwards they discover that the aunt has died, but Graham doesn't know yet. Hoping that he might give them some of the money when he finds out, the rest of the Concert Party (including the Sgt Major, the Captain and Colonel) start creeping round him, including allowing him to play 2 hours of classical music, which they hate, but try not to show it. It transpires that the aunt doesn't leave him any money, and has given it all to charity, so it was all for nothing anyway.
Episode 3 : "Aquastars"
The Concert Party are given the chance to watch a film in camp, and it gives Gloria an idea, to stage their best musical number yet, in front of a "waterfall". Obviously not a real one, but one made on stage. Expectations are high, with everybody giving their upmost, even the Char-Wallah supplying the water, with Captain Ashwood in charge of the stage. When it comes to the dress rehearsal however, everything that can go wrong, does. There is far too much "mist" on the water and obscures the stage, there is far too much water on the waterfall and drowns everybody and one of the "atmospheric" flares burns through the rope which is holding Gunner Graham's platform to the shore and he drifts off towards the real waterfall. What does he do...he can't swim?
Episode 4 : "The Last Warrior"
The Concert Party are over the moon to hear that the war has ended, the Sgt Major isn't as he never got them to do any "real" soldiering, fighting the Japs. Whilst they are out giving their final show, a Captain shows up and tells the Sgt Major about one lone Japanese soldier who refuses to surrender and is holding up supplies on the river and won't let anything pass. Seeing an opportunity to fight at last the Sgt Major volunteers the Concert Party for a real showdown finally. When Colonel Reynolds hears about this, he and Captain Ashwood are furious and concoct a plan of their own, which fails with Ashwood being caught by the Jap in question. To try and get Ashwood back safely and get the Jap to surrender the Concert Party think that a really important person might do the trick and dress Lofty up as Winston Churchill, which again fails. They raid their costumes and come up with the idea of dressing up as Japanese women to try and entice the Jap to surrender. He agrees to, but only after he has spent an hour with the small Japanese woman (Lofty)! So much for the Sgt Major's final battle!
Episode 5 : "Never The Twain Shall Meet"
Whilst out in the jeep, the Sgt Major encounters a native in the middle of the road fixing his bike, but the native refuses to move and the Sgt Major ends up throwing the bike to one side. Whilst arguing, the native tells the Sgt Major he is a reporter for the Calcutta Bugle and threatens to tell the world what the British are like, but the Sgt Major just drives off. Meanwhile, back at the camp, the locals turn up and say they want to move back into their village, even though the Concert Party have not yet vacated the premises. They come to an agreement that they can have the Sgt. Majors hut. Obviously when the Sgt Major returns, after much arguing, he throws them back out of the camp. The native who argued with the Sgt Major earlier about his bike turns up and starts again about throwing the locals out of their camp, ending up with the Sgt Major locking him in one of the spare huts where the native is bitten by a scorpion. Finally, the native drops his threat to report the Sgt Major. Why? Because the Sgt Major removed the poison left by the scorpion in a very private place. After all, he did SIT on the scorpion!
Episode 6 : "The Long Road Home"
Well, it is time for the Concert Party to start on their journey home, but before they do they all have to have their Cholera innoculations. Lofty is very unlucky as he is the last in the queue and they run out out of the stuff. He is told that he will have to follow in a few weeks time. On the day of departure, the Char Wallah has gone to get some goodbye presents for them, but while he is away, the truck comes earlier than planned and by the time he gets back to the camp, he finds Lofty all on his own. Lofty then discovers that he can now have his injections and hopes to catch up with the rest of the Concert Party, and he and the Char Wallah make haste after them, first in a rickshaw and then on a motorbike. They get to the docks just in time and Lofty gets on the boat with the rest of the gang, but the boat pulls away whilst the Char Wallah is parking the bike, and he never gets the chance to hand over his presents for them, but shouts an emotional farewell from the dockside.
Episode 7 : "The Last Roll Call"
The Concert Party are back in the UK and are awaiting demob. That doesn't stop the Sgt Major from still barking out orders and making the guys even polish the coal! They all want sweet revenge on him when they are finally out of the army. When they go and get their civilian clothes, they find the Sgt Major rather a pathetic figure and decide not to take the revenge on him that they had planned. Once at the station, they are all in the cafeteria and say their goodbyes. The Sgt Major is left all alone having nowhere to go, but Parky decides to go back and tell him that he can go and stay with him and his mother till he finds somewhere and they leave together. The Char Wallah writes to Gloria and tells him that he will hopefully see him in 6 weeks, as he is opening a restaurant in "the beautiful city of Bradford".
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